Marriage

Hello everyone. This is my first blog. I've had a lot on my mind lately and just have to express it somehow. I don't have anyone I can really go to with all of this so this is my best option for now. I am currently going through a divorce. Back in November 2012, me and my wife were having problems and I overreacted and told her that I was leaving her and said a bunch of things that I never meant. It's like I wasn't myself. I would never in a million years do anything or say anything to hurt her. It's like that person I was during that time period just wasn't me. It's hard to explain. After that happened I tried to suppress all the feelings I felt from leaving her and act like it didn't bother me. This went on for two weeks and 5 days. I then realized how badly I had messed up. It was as if I had just woke up from a dream that I couldn't control and now saw what all I had really done and felt the overwhelming power or all those feelings i had pushed aside. It was a sudden blast of hate for myself, depression, sorrow, remorse, basically every feeling possible except happiness and anything near that. I was far from happy. Still am far from it. I called her and tried to explain everything but I was afraid it was to late. The day I left her she called numerous times and sent a thousand texts. Crying and begging me not to do it. I was so cold and mean about it and said things I will regret for the rest of my life. I was currently in Texas at that moment for training and she was back home. Ill never forget the way she sounded and the words she said to me when it happened. It haunts me everyday. She is such a beautiful loving woman and I destroyed her. I'm starting to believe ill never be able to forgive myself for what I did to her. But back to the story. The day of true realization of what really happened I called her and poured my heart out. As I figured, she wouldn't take me back. She was afraid. Afraid I would do the same thing again. Unable to trust me. Afraid of feeling the way I made her feel again. And I understood that. She had every right to feel that way. After days of me trying to talk things over and show her how sorry I was and that I would never do it again I noticed just something wasn't right about the way she was acting. I know every one of her emotions and the way she was acting now was something new. We weren't friends on Facebook after what happened but I could still see her pictures. I saw on one of them a guy commenting and them flirting back and forth. So I went to his profile and couldn't comprehend what I saw. They were in a relationship. Saying that they loved each other and all kinds of other things. She has been hiding that from me. She failed to tell me that during our short almost 3 weeks break that she found someone else. I don't understand how. She said he was there for her when I wasn't and treated her like she deserved. I guess I could understand that. And I might have deserved for that to happen. But at the same time, when you're married and something like that happens, you don't go  and find someone new. Shit like that tends to mess you up and you don't rebound from it and find another man. That's how I feel at least. After seeing this I just started crying. Crying from the sinking in depression of seeing my wife say she loves another man and the anger that came along with it. I almost could not bear it. I have never felt that way before. Never want to again. I called her and she almost had nothing to say about it and replied with a "what did you expect me to do? You left me all alone and I had no one. You destroyed me and he was there helping me out when you weren't. All I wanted was you but you cast me away and left me.". I'm not sure if that is a justifiable answer but it made sense to me somewhat at the time and I had to get off the phone after hearing that and try to understand what was going on. The next few days consisted of trying to get her to leave him and come back to me. Trying and saying everything I could to make her realize we were meant to be together. We got married for a reason. I made a mistake ill never be able to take back. But I learned a lot from that and it made me see how much she truly meant to me and how much I truly needed her. The thing that she said that hurt me the most was that she didn't know whether she wanted to be with me or him. She basically wanted to give them a try to see who would be the better man to be in a relationship with. It seemed pretty fucked up to me. I tried my best to deal with that and let her figure things out on her own and give her time to realize the mistake she was making. She never chose me. She's still with him to this day. 3 months later. And I'm still alone. Wishing I had her back. She calls me sometimes and says she misses me and wants to get back together but it never happens. It's as if she is just lost In her on mind now and I am just a pawn In her game. I think about her everyday. And how some other man is with my wife and doing all the things that me and her should be doing together. She's my wife. Ill never understand why I wasn't better than him. I messed up. Big time. But I apologized to her everyday and did so many countless things to try to prove myself. But that other man was holding me back. I never won her back. Not sure if it would even work now after all that even if we did get back together. I've just been so lost. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. She's my soul mate and I have no doubt in my mind about that. I love her more than life itself. She's the one thing that always held me together and got me through anything and now she's gone and I'm left to deal with all the broken pieces of my life that I shattered by doing what I did. Maybe I deserve this. I believe I do. So ill just do what I Have to do now to get by and just keep hoping for a miracle. I wish I could say it wasn't all my fault. But it was. Maybe all of you agree or maybe some of you don't. But I needed to get this out there and talk about it. Hell, I'm not sure if anyone is even going to read this. If you do, thank you. It means a lot to me. Lets me know that maybe someone cares about how I feel.